TAKING ON LIFE
the odyssey chronicles
We live in a wild, crazy world. It is easy to feel overwhelmed and outgunned. I have had the privilege of working with athletes at the highest levels as well as most every demographic out there. This feeling is universal, especially if you are a high performer. Because you are reading this, we are going to assume you are one. We (high performers) want to be great at everything, all the time, which is physically impossible.
In my time with athletes and coaching clients I started to see some common patterns. Life is messy, for all of us. We need to be able to remove ourselves from the catastrophe, or what seems like one, when it happens. We need to be able to look at our life and what we are in control of so when things happen we aren’t completely knocked off the horse. If we can establish what is out of our control and what is, it allows us to not be shaken by every little speed bump. So, my wife (who is a exceptional coach and leader) and I came up with an exercise to help take back that feeling of control. I wanted to help individuals I was working with feel empowered through stress, not destroyed by it. The goal of this exercise is to help individuals literally tally up the things they control of as well as things that are out of their control. I get it, it seems like it could go sideways, however it has been nothing short of amazing to see how it helps develop confidence in individuals own independence.
This exercise is very simple. It is a list of all your controlled and uncontrolled variables.
Now, I want to explain how I came up with this before we jump right into it. Imagine you are at work, no matter what that is, and you see a fellow coworker by the water cooler. Usually conversations start with something like how bad traffic was or how the coffee machine didn’t work that morning. The big client was a few minutes late or all the meetings are taking up way to much time on their calendar. Negative right? But usual. This is the beginning of the spiral. It starts with something small like the coffee machine and escalates into life “attacking” them. Their goals were unreachable and life is a big monster hidden under the bed, torturing them every move they make.
I get it. Life is wickedly hard sometimes! However, what we choose to focus on dictates our reality.
We are a product of our mindset.
We get to choose how we respond to things. (That sentence might be worth reading a few times.) This reality tends to escape us. We are so wrapped up in being the feeler of our emotions, the deep fear, the passions, the boredom. The entire concept of this exercise is to help you refocus that effort/energy. To start to be the observer of our emotions. Think of it like standing outside, looking through the window, watching emotions play out. You can see them, you understand where they came from but you are not moved to action by them. Once we are deep in the feels its very hard, I say near impossible, to disconnect enough to see outside of it. Like the old analogy says, “you can’t see the forest through the trees”.
the feeling of being out of control is louder than the feeling of being in control.
This took me a little while to understand. How am I supposed to remove myself from my emotions? Like most issues we have, until we can see it as a whole, it is impossible to fix. If we are only focused on one part of the issue, the emotional response, we are focusing our energy and time on the wrong part of the problem. This is where listing our controlled and uncontrolled variables came to be. As far as I know, this is really the only way for us to see it all as a whole, see the entire story of where the emotion(s) started, existed and end. Once we see the entire story we can make better decisions. I know it seems a little removed, how can listing the things I control on a daily basis help me not be as emotional? Well lets look at it with numbers. If I am in control of 100 things and there 10 things out of my control. How much energy, time, emotion and effort am I going to put into the ten? Probably not much, because 100 others tasks, items or things occupy way more of me. Not only that the 10 just doesn’t hold that much water comparatively.
I want to make sure we understand the concept so I am going to give plenty of examples.
Controlled Variables; Making your bed, brushing your teeth, showing up on time, eating healthy, working out, cleaning up after yourself, reading, yoga, journaling, what you give attention to, what stimulus you allow in your life, who your friends are, how you respond to others, learning, love, how you speak to others, phone usage, cleaning your car, washing the dishes, laundry, etc. These are all things that no one can do for you, things you are totally and completely in control of. If you are not part of the process the process doesn’t exist.
Uncontrolled Variables; Other people’s emotions, other people’s actions, cars breaking down, kiddos (and all the awesomeness that comes with), dogs being dogs, traffic, work, extreme sickness. These are things, no matter how hard you might try, you will never be able to control. They are happening with or without your involvement.
I encourage you to take a few minutes and start you lists. Be intentional and honest with yourself when you are doing it.
Here is where the magic happens. Based on the individuals I have worked with, my family I have given this worksheet to and other coaches I have reached out to vet this concept, I have never seen someone come up with more uncontrolled variables then controlled. This proves, beyond an logical argument, that you are in control of far more than you aren’t. Life is up to you and how you choose to live it. You control 90% of your day. Focusing on the 10% or less you don’t is pretty silly once you see it written down.
you need to see what you are in control of, what all you are capable of each day. once you see it you can’t argue that its anyone else’s fault but yours you aren’t where you want to be.
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